Fuck

This evening I was visiting with my sister at her place when she casually mentioned that she and her husband might move away in a few years if that’s where work takes them.  My emotions went from normal calm and happy to suddenly there was a great weight on my chest and I started crying.  I was so embarrassed at my own emotional betrayal.  My sister was very sympathetic and tried to make it like it wasn’t a big deal but I was horrified.  not even 10 minutes later I decided to go home.  I had to take my evening meds anyways.  I drove to the drug store and picked up some candy and pop to medicate myself with…seems like I always want to stuff my face with sugar when my world is crashing down around me.  When I got home I phoned my dad to tell him what had happened but he couldn’t talk long because he was looking after my handicapped cousin for the evening.  As soon as I hung up the phone I burst into tears and was crying so hard that I couldn’t even stand.  I sat on my bed and cried for a while, and then I got up to go to the kitchen because my cat wouldn’t leave me alone so I figured he needed food.  When I got to the kitchen I started sobbing again and couldn’t stop.  I was crying so hard that it kept sending me into coughing fits where I would choke and could barely breathe.  I held my hands to my face as hard as I could, trying to muffle the sounds of my hysteria.  All I could think about was the fact that I had finally moved back and my sister was a 5 minute drive away, and she was talking about leaving.  It triggered something huge in me.  It felt almost worse then when I lost it over my brother telling us that he and his wife are moving even further away from us then they already are.  Did I waste the years that I could have spent with them?  Was moving to different cities trying to be independant and to find myself all a big mistake?  Did I miss my chance?  Am I destined to be alone?  I can’t help but feel that I am.  I feel like I am losing everything, that I am drowning inside of myself and that nothing can be done.  Everyone is moving on and I am not.  I am the burden.  I am what makes my family so frustrated and I am what is holding everybody back.  Everybody would just be better if I wasn’t here anymore.  I feel like life is leaving me.  How can I survive?  How can I live on while I feel like I’m losing my mind?  I don’t even want to cut, because if I picked up the blade tonight I would probably kill myself.  I don’t even know who to talk to anymore.  Nobody can handle my Hell.  My next psychiatrist appointment is in 8 days but it might as well be an eternity away.  Why should I live?  I feel everything and nothing.  My head hurts.  I feel unlike myself.  I am not in my body, it just feels mechanical, and painful.  Everything is painful.  How many more breakdowns must I endure?  75mg of Lamictal and I just feel crazy.  They say 100mg is the magical dose, where suddenly everything is better.  But how can I believe that?  And how can I even get to that point if I’m dead?  I can’t take it anymore.