This evening I was visiting with my sister at her place when she casually mentioned that she and her husband might move away in a few years if that’s where work takes them. My emotions went from normal calm and happy to suddenly there was a great weight on my chest and I started crying. I was so embarrassed at my own emotional betrayal. My sister was very sympathetic and tried to make it like it wasn’t a big deal but I was horrified. not even 10 minutes later I decided to go home. I had to take my evening meds anyways. I drove to the drug store and picked up some candy and pop to medicate myself with…seems like I always want to stuff my face with sugar when my world is crashing down around me. When I got home I phoned my dad to tell him what had happened but he couldn’t talk long because he was looking after my handicapped cousin for the evening. As soon as I hung up the phone I burst into tears and was crying so hard that I couldn’t even stand. I sat on my bed and cried for a while, and then I got up to go to the kitchen because my cat wouldn’t leave me alone so I figured he needed food. When I got to the kitchen I started sobbing again and couldn’t stop. I was crying so hard that it kept sending me into coughing fits where I would choke and could barely breathe. I held my hands to my face as hard as I could, trying to muffle the sounds of my hysteria. All I could think about was the fact that I had finally moved back and my sister was a 5 minute drive away, and she was talking about leaving. It triggered something huge in me. It felt almost worse then when I lost it over my brother telling us that he and his wife are moving even further away from us then they already are. Did I waste the years that I could have spent with them? Was moving to different cities trying to be independant and to find myself all a big mistake? Did I miss my chance? Am I destined to be alone? I can’t help but feel that I am. I feel like I am losing everything, that I am drowning inside of myself and that nothing can be done. Everyone is moving on and I am not. I am the burden. I am what makes my family so frustrated and I am what is holding everybody back. Everybody would just be better if I wasn’t here anymore. I feel like life is leaving me. How can I survive? How can I live on while I feel like I’m losing my mind? I don’t even want to cut, because if I picked up the blade tonight I would probably kill myself. I don’t even know who to talk to anymore. Nobody can handle my Hell. My next psychiatrist appointment is in 8 days but it might as well be an eternity away. Why should I live? I feel everything and nothing. My head hurts. I feel unlike myself. I am not in my body, it just feels mechanical, and painful. Everything is painful. How many more breakdowns must I endure? 75mg of Lamictal and I just feel crazy. They say 100mg is the magical dose, where suddenly everything is better. But how can I believe that? And how can I even get to that point if I’m dead? I can’t take it anymore.