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My roommate is so difficult to live with right now.  She’s a good deal younger than me and I’ve been really feeling the maturity difference lately.  Yesterday evening she was out and I had the house to myself as I prepared to go to a potluck that my house group was putting together.  I left and locked the door behind me and went to my outing.  45 minutes later my phone is blowing up with my roommate calling repeatedly but I couldn’t answer because I was in the middle of my house group dinner so I texted her back asking what was up.  She had left to take her dog for a walk but decided to leave the door unlocked and keys at home and since I had left for my outing, she was now locked out of the house.  And she was furious.  She lashed out at me as though I had maliciously done this to her to wreck her evening.  She was upset because she had somewhere to be but wouldn’t disclose where, and proceeded to blame me for her unfortunate circumstance.  I gently tried to tell her that there’s no way I could have known that she had left without her keys, we both come and go all the time without filling the other one in about our plans.  She demanded I text her every time I see the door unlocked before locking it but I told her I wasn’t going to do that because it’s up to her to lock up the house and have her keys on her whenever she leaves.  She kept saying what I did was not cool and that she was very upset with me.  I told her that I sympathized with her predicament but that I could not just leave to come let her back in, that I was unavailable to help her out.  She lashed out again with sarcastic bitter texts.  I remained very civil, even though my heart was racing, my ptsd and anxiety were triggered and I had no idea what environment I’d be coming back home to.  Even though I chose to remain at my house group, it still ruined my evening.

Tonight I’ve been working on my sunroom, organizing it to be a peaceful refuge to relax into.  I found this great second hand Papasan chair recently that is just glorious to curl up in.  I brought in some of my plants from the living room downstairs, lit a candle and some incense.  It’s a wonderful space.  Right now it’s almost 12:30am and I have the windows open with the cool night breeze coming in and it’s just heavenly.

My roommate came home around 11pm and blatantly ignored me.  She eventually sent me a picture over snapchat of my plate and cup in the sink with an angry caption about dealing with it.  I texted her back saying that I would love to talk to her in person and that I was up in the sun room.  She texted back a snide remark about the dishes and said hell no she would not come talk to me, she was still really upset with me about yesterday. Lots of capital letters.  I explained again how I sympathized with her that it wasn’t ideal, but remained gently firm that I was not out to get her and maintained that I didn’t do anything yesterday to intentionally cause her distress.

I’ve noticed that my roommate is terrible with confrontation and talking about things.  She sees herself as this great communicator when in reality she’s very poor at it, which makes it difficult to resolve problems.  She won’t tell me how she feels and instead she stews, with tension emanating off of her, and she avoids me or pretends I don’t exist and when I finally have to confront her and ask her what is bothering her, or ask her for a moment to talk things through, she gets mean, like a cornered badger.  Eventually she does settle down and find her words, but it’s always a battle.  She’s passive aggressive and avoidant and that causes me distress.  I need to talk things through.  I’ve come to the point in my life that my home has to be my refuge, and I need it to be peaceful.  If there’s anything that disrupts my peace and safety, I deal with it immediately.  I owe it to myself and my mental health.  I will not let my home be a place of fear and intimidation.  Oh the joys of being a sensitive empath….I feel every single emotion that radiates off of my roommate whether it’s about me or not, whether it’s expressed or unexpressed, and that girl holds a great deal of tension.

And yet, somehow I can still have some grace and patience for her, which is really difficult right now, but some semblance of it is still there.  I’m being extremely careful in how I communicate with her, that it’s clear and gentle but not letting her use me as a doormat.  I know she’s going through things right now, but I’m not the person she opens up to about it, and that’s fine.  She can’t be vulnerable for whatever reason.  She’s quite self absorbed, not able to see past herself to notice how her actions affect those around her, and that’s difficult to deal with.  I feel like she doesn’t respect my home as much as I wish she would.  But that being said, even though in these moments of great frustration my thoughts often drift to “I wish she would just move out!”, I don’t actually want her to. And I’m careful to always keep those frustrated thoughts to myself.  As far as roommates go she’s rather ideal, other than the passive pettiness and lashing out that’s going on right now, our schedules are very different and that often means I get the house to myself a lot which I love, and she’s also not all up in my business with my life.  We’re not really friends, we just live together.  She goes to my church but that’s pretty much it.

I’m very tired of being used as a punching bag for this particular situation though, and being put through the ringer, and then being avoided and ignored.  I’ve had enough abuse in my life, I don’t need it to be disrupting my peaceful refuge that I’ve been working so hard on that is my home.  I can’t make her talk to me though.  I’ve extended the invitation many times and will continue to do so.  I hope she gets to the point where she’ll just face her fears and sit down with me because then she’ll know that I’m not out to get her, and that this is actually a really easy situation to resolve and get past.  But in the mean time I don’t know what to do, especially if she continues to treat me like garbage and nit pick and give me the cold shoulder.

This is also her first time living on her own away from home or without a sibling as a roommate.

I just had to get this out of my head.  Any advice on what to do here?

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Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I don’t want anything to do with her.  She is a sociopathic manipulative narcissist without an ounce of empathy in her soul.  She is not human.  To be alive is to be warm, with life blood pumping through your veins.  But she is not warm. She is colder than ice; she is poison.  The only antivenom for her wounds is abandonment. Banishment. Starvation.

Oh that’s shocking, you could say.  But it’s really not.  I’m so tired of secrets.  I’m so tired of the guilt and shame and confusion of what love is and what love isn’t.  Love isn’t berating your daughter over not taking her car to the shop to change the winter tires to all seasons when she called because she was feeling heavy and devastated after visiting with a sick friend.  Love isn’t throwing a temper tantrum and crying and slamming dishes because your daughter set a boundary because she was tired of being screamed at.

She has a disease, right? That’s what we say about people who do everything in their power to undercut, sabotage and invalidate their own flesh and blood.  Motherly instincts don’t apply here.  She must be diseased. But don’t tell her that because she will ram her claws into you and try to tear through your flesh and rip out your heart before you even hit the floor.  She is perfect, she is never the problem; it is always everybody else.  She is the cruelest person I know.

I won’t keep her abuse a secret anymore.  I’ve told my friends, my mentors, my counselors.  I’ve been trained will as a child to keep it all inside and let it rot.  It doesn’t matter how much it hurts on the inside, as long as everything looks perfect on the outside.  But I don’t have any loyalty left.  And sure the fear of repercussion is still there, but the fear of abandonment is getting less and less and even turning the tables because I’m just at the point where there’s not much left in me that cares.  If a family member asks, I will tell the truth.  I will not sugar coat it.  I will not pretend everything is ok.  I will not go along with the game that we have a good relationship and are on good terms when we are in public just to keep up some bullshit image that is more important to my mother than a relationship with her daughter.   I’m not going to protect her image, that’s not my job.  I’m going to protect myself instead.

So yes, it may sound dramatic to title this post Mother’s Day is Bullshit, but I’m not going to be making some obligatory phone call tomorrow to gush to my mother how wonderful of a parent she is, because she isn’t.  She’s caused a level of heartache and damage that I sometimes fear is beyond repair.  Mother’s Day is bullshit to those who don’t have mothers at all or those like me who have horribly abusive ones that don’t know what love is, and it rubs it in our faces that we will never have that special relationship or that special bond.  So what am I to do instead? Find a woman from my community who has been more nurturing than my own mother and honour her? Maybe.  But honestly I’d rather just tuck away and ignore this “holiday” and choose not to acknowledge it’s existence. Or I could honour myself as a cat mom.

Oh look at that, it’s actually 12:02am already…huh. So in closing I will bid you a Happy Run-Of-The-Mill Sunday.

I think one reason why I keep God at arms length and fear intimacy is that if I choose to engage with the good spiritual things and let them in, then I will also experience the evil creepy spiritual things too and I don’t want to deal with that.

A lot has changed in the last 8 months. I’ve moved, got a new job, quit said job because of an abusive boss/owner, relapsed back into self injury for a few days, faught with depression and migraines, bought an antique mandolin off an auction sale, started running, lost 25 pounds and now here I am. I’m hoping to lose another 30-35 pounds by Christmas if that’s at all possible. Life has been a little crazy but with some good crazy mixed into it too. 

I’m going to a church which I actually like finally. I’m meeting new people and enjoying my new city regardless of all the shit that went down at the job that brought me here.

I hate being unemployed. It makes me feel anxious and shameful and unemployable. I’m debating going back to school. We shall see..

Do you think the Bible is actually as important as we say it is?  Why didn’t God just publish a textbook with a specific curriculum for us to follow? Why did the stories that made it into the Bible make it into the Bible? What about the other things that happened during that time?  I’m sure there were many things of interest that occurred that would also have been excellent examples.  I wonder why we have the Bible and why it is so sacred.  I’m not questioning its validity, more just it’s specific content and it’s significance to the Christian faith.  I find that I personally learn and grow a lot through prayer and through having deep philosophical conversations with others.  I also learn about God just through observation in my everyday life.  I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t read my Bible.  I find church to be a soul crushing, artificial and empty place, but through all this I still believe in God, have faith in his strength and guidance, and regard myself as a Christian.  That being said, I love tearing into the big questions.  Can I be a Christian and still participate in meditation? Yes, I think so, I suppose depending what you’re specifically meditating on, but why not?  What is the purpose of church?  Supposedly it’s about community, being with other like-minded people, care, support, growth, acceptance, learning.  I find it to be such bullshit though, because most of the time, in my experience, it’s not genuine.  I’m not saying that it will never be genuine ever, but I am skeptical.  So, I am a Christian that basically never goes to church.  I’m pretty good at reading people, getting a feel for them, understanding their body language, their expressions, their posture, their tone of voice, their clothing options, and learn a lot about them just from their idle chit chat and how they treat other people.  I can easily spot a phony.  And the church is full of them.   I don’t know why other Christians find it so taboo and offensive to question things about church and Christianity of itself.  Questioning things is not sinful or wrong, it is the epitome of wisdom.  It does not mean that I have thrown my beliefs to the wolves, it just means that I don’t take anything at face value.  I will have faith in God, even if it doesn’t make sense sometimes, but I will not have blind faith in people.  Ever.  So, therefore, a lot of sermons really rub me the wrong way (I would venture to say 99%) and that is why I basically always leave the church feeling very frustrated and irritated.  Nothing in the church makes me happy.

I read this quote recently and my heart just leapt.  It sums up exactly how I feel and who I am and I can’t believe how strongly it resonated with me.

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world”. – C.S. Lewis

Ohhh….finally something to grasp onto.  Instead of being so frustrated at the clueless and naive people around me, and trying to find my place among them, I no longer have to.  I was made for more.

I can’t even comprehend how much relief this brings.

“The Light of God surrounds me

The Love of God enfolds me

The Power of God protects me

The Wisdom of God guides and directs me

Wherever I go, God is

And all is well

And so it is

Amen.”

My first thoughts on this prayer are that I like it but the last few lines are not true. All does not have to be well; that does not make a difference. God was, is, and always will be regardless of if all is well or not. Things will not be “well” all the time just because we believe in God. You can trust and hope that they can become well. You can trust that God is in control despite how you feel, but I don’t think it’s accurate to pray a line that says “and all is well” when there are frequent times when it is not. And it is ok for things not to be well. Anyone who says things are instantly well after reading this prayer is not being honest. You have the power to change your thoughts and attitude, but your feelings of wellness are the last to follow. Anyways, those are my two cents.

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You slash through my skin
Until I’m bleeding down my arms
And then you are furious at me for having scars

Today…Fuck. I woke up with horrible horrible cramps.  Hormones, PMS and bipolar 2 are not a good combination on the best of days.  I wanted to go to church this morning but the pain wouldn’t subside and my period was too heavy and I just didn’t trust anything about my body or my hormonal bipolar mind to leave the house this morning.  I met my best friend for lunch and was in an odd tired head space.  We chatted and had a good time but I bounced and ricocheted from topic to topic and didn’t even realize I was doing it until she eventually laughed and pointed it out.  She didn’t laugh in a mean way, more of a “hey, you probably don’t even realize that you’re doing this so I’m just gently letting you know” kind of way.  I was annoyed at myself but didn’t show it.  I just laughed with her and nodded, took another bite of my salad, and kept talking about horses/computers/cell phones/ school/ work/cats/polyamory/and on and on.  Clearly, my mind has been racing at top speed all day today and I didn’t even know it until tonight when, again, my best friend pointed it out to me.  I kept picking these topics and latching on to them and rattling on and on, babbling, ranting, not always making sense.  And then I would ricochet off in another direction ranting and babbling about another serious thought provoking topic and in the middle of that, bounce back to the first, or else something completely different.  I’m so frustrated with myself right now.

A few things have triggered me today that I’ve noticed thinking back on it now.  First: my period, obviously.  Second: Someone posted this stupid conspiracy theory intense video about the ebola situation in the states about Obama being behind it and all this other evil fear invoking grand declarations which I definitely should not have watched, and realized that immediately after it was over.  Third: It was too late so I started reading articles about epidemics, pandemics, plagues etc. throughout history and how they spread, and death tolls.  Bad idea.  Fourth: But oh wait! I couldn’t just stop there!  I had to start reading about the signs of the end times and the correlation of scriptural prophecy and modern day events, because clearly I didn’t have enough thoughts racing through my head working me up so I had to add a lot lot more.  and Fifth: the guy I do freelance work just dropped a bombshell on me today saying he’s not accepting any work until next fall.  Uhmmm…what? He’s taking this stupid online marketing course that looks sketchy to me and I don’t know, it just annoys the fuck out of me.  I have doubts about working with him.  This is weird right?  Geez.  The bad part is that I ranted and rambled on and on and on and on to my best friend over text about this, not even making sense half the time.

Fuck.  Sometimes I forget I’m bipolar and then days like this happen where I’m extremely all over the place and everyone knows it but me.  But somehow, at some point, usually at night, or sometimes days later I figure it out, that I’ve been acting weird, and crazy, and not making sense and people are judging me or worse, feeling sorry for me.  I fucking hate it.  Oh and another thing that triggered me was suddenly the yarn I bought to make a baby blanket for my sister who’s expecting this winter, is too rough and course and suddenly the thought was in my head that I had failed at this project, that my sister would never let that blanket touch her precious baby because it would hurt him from it’s courseness and it would be awful and her mother in-law’s knitted baby gifts would be so much better and I would get all those sympathetic looks that said “oh you tried, good for you, good effort, but that thing will never see the light of day and it sure as hell will not touch my baby.”

Last weekend I was looking at this wedding photo that my parents recieved with a thank you card from their wedding and I was disgusted at all the photoshop editing flaws in that photo that I couldn’t not see.  I’m a graphic designer and I can recognize when photoshop is used and when it’s good, but when it’s not good, it’s obviously bad.  I went off.  I tore that photo apart with criticism and ranting and raving pointed out every. single. flaw.  that I could find and raged over all of them in front of my parents, probably for over half an hour.  That should have been a warning sign right there.  I guess it was, I just didn’t catch it until now.

I don’t know what to say.  I hope I’m not a weird freak at work tomorrow.

Oh yeah, I got a job as a graphic designer right after graduating with honours.  Pretty amazing actually.  Anyways, I hope this mania, mixed fucking hormone induced moody racing thoughts pressured speech psycho babble state of mind isn’t registrable tomorrow.

I’m so confused.

Wow I can’t believe I have only 4 days of school left. When I started this program I thought it would take forever, and honestly, I didn’t think I would actually finish it and see it through. It’s been amazing and now it’s coming to an end. I’m a little anxious about finding a job but I think it will be ok. I have a strong portfolio and my teachers have both agreed to write me letters of recommendation which is great! I’ve started applying to jobs outside of my city and some even outside of the province which is exciting but also a bit nerve wracking if I had to move away, although it would be worth it.

I’m still in disbelief that I’ll have a diploma, that I did this, on my own. It’s my biggest accomplishment and it feels amazing. Soon I’ll be walking across the stage at my graduation ceremony, collecting my diploma, and beginning the next big chapter of my life. It’s surreal. It’s very emotional for me.

Nobody thought I could do it because I’ve started and stopped post secondary school so many times. Most people discouraged me from trying again, to stop wasting money, to just accept that this was going to be my life and just stay with those sad unfulfilling jobs.

Well this is me response: screw you! And DAMN does it feel good to prove everyone wrong!!!!

Woo!

If I could do this, what else can I do? I love having this attitude. I respect myself a lot more, and it truly truly matters and pays off to pursue the things that you love!

♥️