So Much Rage

I think I’m being kicked up into mania. I’m so ragey, have been for several days. Everything is pissing me off and my head is spinning and my thoughts are racing and I can’t stop moving, whether its pacing or my hands shaking. I’m restless. I’m on the brink of a panic attack. My heart is racing.

I’ve been jumping through hoops to get disability and they put me on it temporarily which is better then nothing. Today I had my final interview and last giant application to fill out. Everybody who I’ve spoke to along the way has said that I have a very good chance of being accepted and have been very positive. The lady who interviewed me this morning was also positive and said that she collected a lot of great information after the interview so I was feeling very good. Then she dropped a bombshell, or what felt like one to me anyways. She said that the board that reviews the applications rarely approve of disability going to young people. I looked at her funny and she gave me this weird sympathetic shrug. Why, after all these green lights and high hopes would someone drop this red…barely amber light on me? Rage.

My mood went from hopeful to devastated to rage in a matter of seconds. I forced a fake smile, shook her hand and left.

I worked out a bit when I got home to try and feel better but my heart wasn’t in it. All I could feel was everything that I described at the beginning of this entry. Fire is pulsing through my veins. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I’m talking to myself a lot more these days, is that weird? I keep fantasizing about the conversations I wish I had the nerve to have with my parents and relatives and doctors and hoop holders. Mostly I want to tell everybody off. Every fibre of my being is stressed to the max.

Yesterday I had an amazing day, everything about it was perfect and I was flying high. Every single time I have one good day.. EVERY SINGLE TIME! I always crash so hard into this awful mixed state. Maybe it’s a mixed state, maybe it’s mania or maybe it’s rapid cycling… I think it could be the last one. It’s unbelievably horrible.

It’s Not Even Noon Yet…

Well, it’s only 10:45 in the morning and I’ve already been triggered several times.  I got up early this morning and decided that I was going to go to church.  I’ve been trying to go regularly for about a month now but going to church has always been hard for me.  I am a Christian and I have a close relationship with God, but I have a really hard time being around other Christians most of the time, at least when I’m sitting in church in the middle of a crowded congregation.  I got to church right on time and sat down and already felt exposed and uncomfortable.  I made it through one worship song and the beginning of another before I bolted.  I wasn’t even halfway across the parking lot to get to the safety of my car before I burst into tears.  My mood went from good to despairing and unstable in the matter of an hour…hopeful to go to church and learn and worship but instead leaving in a state of emotional turmoil, despair and just utter pain.  I cried all the way home.  Now I have a headache and don’t know what to do with myself…

My sister and her husbands one year wedding anniversary is today which is another huge trigger.  My cousin got engaged a few days ago which is ANOTHER huge trigger.  I can’t stand that my close family is all pairing off happily, it brings the craziest feelings out of me.  I’m happy for them for about the first 5 minutes of hearing the news, and then my emotions turn on me and feelings of worthlessness, disgust for my body, self loathing, pain, sorrow, hopelessness, and extreme lonliness just flood my entire being and I am just crushed.  I’ve had one boyfriend in my life, we dated for 4 months and he was incredibly abusive and manipulative and I broke it off with him just over a year ago and it still haunts me.  Also, because I’m bipolar, and unstable, and on disability right now because I can’t work I just feel like no man would want to take all of that on, like I’m too complicated and too unreliable and that just kills me.  It makes me feel worthless.  I know I make a good friend, people love me as a friend…I have good qualities like amazing compassion and empathy and insight into pain and suffering, I give people many chances (too many maybe) I’m a good listener, I’m there for people when I say I’ll be there for them, I love to love!  I genuinely care about my friends, I really do… But how can I ever have a hope of a man falling in love with me with all my torment and instability?  And not to mention the size of my body…I know I should love myself for who I am and what I look like shouldn’t matter but it always does.  I always feel self concious about my stomach and my thighs and my double chin and flab under my arms and well pretty much everything.  I am also incredibly tall for a woman and have large feet.  I’m 6 feet tall and wear size 12 shoes.  Maybe I’m just a freak in the eyes of men but that’s the last thing I want to be.  I just want to be wanted.  My family doesn’t know what to do with me and they think I am just lazy and treat me like a child, with little respect…even less now that I chose to go on disability.

I weighed myself and took my measurments this morning and I just feel gross.  My weight hasn’t fluctuated much but my measurments are all bigger by about half an inch which just makes me feel like I’m failing with this whole exercise and weighloss kick I’ve been on.  I know I’m not failing and I know I haven’t thrown it all away, but the lies in my head are so deafening and they never stop.

Today it’s just really hard to pull myself out of failure mode.  Failure about going to church, failure about being around people without anxiety and panic attacks, failure about loving myself, failure about losing weight consistently, failure about being wanted, failure about being loved, failure about being reliable, failure about being happy for my sister’s anniversary or my cousin’s engagement (which makes me feel selfish and that just makes me feel worse).

I have no desire to cut or anything, in fact, I can feel the numbness rolling in already and I just want to sit and stare and feel nothing.  It’ll probably be a day of watching movies and loneliness sprinkled with a few rage/crying outbursts and exhaustion.

I hate how things can go from good to detrimental so quickly.  I’m also coming off of spending a full day with parents and sibblings and relatives yesterday which crossed my socializing thresh hold pretty much before it even started.

I’m going to go hide from the world now.

Benefit of the Doubt

I’m the type of person who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I can’t handle my family’s passivity and disinterest in me as of late.  It’s really bothering me and hurtful and making me feel inferior and alone.  For example: the last 2 days I’ve talked to my parents on the phone and I’ve been excited about trying new recipes and working out, or random pieces of interesting knowledge and when I take a pause to let them respond…..nothing.  Dead silence.  Usually if they’re not as excited as something as I am I’ll usually get a “I’m glad you’re trying new things” or “It’s great to see you motivated and and interested in something” or at least the non-commital polite response and acknowledgement of what you just said “that’s interesting”…but lately it’s been nothing.  Dead silence.  Flat voices.  Pure disinterest, blatent kill joy responses, disrespect, and basicly making me feel like I don’t matter, and what makes me happy doesn’t matter.  My mom even has the nerve to reply “who cares” or “whatever”.  There isn’t a shred of kindness in her voice, just dismissal.

I called my sister this evening to invite her and her husband over for supper tomorrow night because my parents are coming to the city and spending a night here.  Her voice was also flat and uninterested, like I was wasting her time.  She wasn’t even listening to me as I was trying to talk to her, she was playing a game on her ipad instead.  She didn’t even bother engaging except for a few one word answers.  When she said they would come she then asked doubtfully if my meal would be vegetarian (because that’s what she is which is fine) and have no meat in it and then asked if she should just bring something.  I was offended by that, maybe it’s because my family is frustrating me to death these days (and always) and maybe she was just trying to be helpful (me trying to give her the benefit of the doubt) but I was still offended.  I told her I was very capable of making a vegetarian meal.  She just responded flatly with an “ok”.

I don’t understand all this lifelessness coming from my family towards me.  I think the fact that I’m going on disability has a big part to play in it.  I’ve never been their perfect child like my other siblings with their degrees and spouses, but it’s as though I’ve dropped ANOTHER rank in their eyes (if that’s even possible) because I’ve fully admitted and been formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I’ve decided to get treatment for it.  In my eyes, if I had a child with a mental illness who decided to take care of herself and get professional help for herself I’d be praising her and very supportive!  Being on disability is nothing to be ashamed of.  It does not mean you are lazy, it does not mean that you are weak.  The whole purpose of disability funding is to take that time and focus on making your life better, and healthier, and give you the financial stability and freedom to accomplish that!  Fuck!  I’m so incredibly at my family’s response and lack of empathy and understanding of my illness and limitations.  It’s not that I don’t explain things to them time and time again and send them information and literature on the subject.  They just don’t listen, or read what I send them.  In their eyes I’m just the “screw-up middle child” that I’ve always been.  They have this idea of me burned into their brains that is all lies and they refuse to see the truth and give me a chance.  I don’t have a hope against all those lies and preconcieved notions about me because they refuse to see the truth.  I can’t compete with that. 

Wisdom is wasted on the foolish.

I wish my parents weren’t coming for the night tomorrow.  My mom is going to be a nightmare as always.  She won’t even have her foot in the door before she starts frowning and glaring and criticizing everything in site about how I keep my apartment, and then she’ll start cleaning everything like a mad woman even though I already cleaned everything just to belittle me.

It hurts.  It hurts a lot.

I ran/walked 5k today, and did a bunch of circuit training which felt good.  My left knee hurts though…I iced it for a while but it still hurts so I’m not sure what’s happening there, gotta take it easy. 

I was at my sister’s house a few nights ago because I had a random and strong allergic reaction to coconut in some baking I was doing and didn’t want to be alone in case it got worse, and she called mom on speaker phone to tell her that I was alright.  My mom must have thought that she wasn’t on speaker because she sighed and made comments about me like “she’s always a worry” as though I inflicted this on myself somehow just to gain their attention or something. 

I just……..I know I talk about my family a lot in this blog, but they make me feel so worthless; like a waste, like a mistake they wish they could take back.  I wish they would stop forcing me into this mold that I was never meant to be in.  I can’t win.  And having bipoar on top of all this makes me such a disgrace to them.  They whisper amongst themselves and amongst family members, those quiet whispers of shame and disgrace.  “It’s so sad” they say to each other “it’s all just so sad”….well it’s not sad!  It’s not fucking sad!  It’s just a reality!  Life goes on!  I can still do things!  I’m still a person!  In fact, I’m the same person I’ve always been!  WHY MUST I BE REDUCED TO WORTHLESS AND USELESS BECAUSE OF A DIAGNOSIS?!!!!  There’s no shame in being bipolar! Just like there’s no shame in being a diabetic!  Or any other life long ailment!  IT JUST IS!!!!!!  AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!  *bangs head against wall repeatedly*

So…I’m a little worked up…

I still exist.  I am a person.  I deserved to be taken seriously.  I have value.  I have plenty to give.

I don’t know what to do….

It’s Been A While

Like the title says, yes, it’s been a while.  I’ve been doing ok-ish.  I’ve applied for disability and have one hoop left to jump through before I can get accepted.  I really hope it all works out, I need this. 

Easter was a disaster.  I went with my parents and sister and her husband (all in one vehicle) to visit my brother and his wife who lived 12 hours away.  Me + not having personal space + family blasting through every boundary I set + being belittled for being bipolar + nobody listening to me = me exploding, overwhelmed, stressed to the max, meltdowns, mood swings, rapid cycling brought on by high stress, and of course insomnia.  Staying under one roof with them for 5 days with no escape was really difficult.  I’m used to having lots of space and time to myself.  I need it to recharge, and process things, and to calm myself down if I am feeling unstable, which is….often.

My mom is still fighting me on every aspect of treatment, and now she’s fighting me for applying for disability so I can take a break from trying to find work while I sort everything out.  She is ashamed of me for doing that, and embarassed, and she takes it out on me all the time.

Enough about my mom…

I am excited to say that I am on day 20 of working out everyday!  After Easter I was so disgusted with my body and everything about myself and was so fed up that I decided that it was time to do something about it.  I hate being overweight, and I hate lothing myself.  I’ve also started eating clean which basically means not eating anything processed, having lots of fruits and vegetables, nuts, seeds, protien, carbs, fish, chicken etc. and no refinded carbs or sugars.  Oh, and I’m trying to drink 2 litres of water a day which is not always easy! haha.  I am feeling a bit better about myself and I’m feeling myself getting stronger and having more energy already.  These new changes are also helping me sleep better at night.  I still have a hard time getting up in the morning, but I’m having an easier time falling asleep at a normal hour for once!  I’ve lost about 3 pounds since I’ve started, but the bigger loss is in the measurements.  I’ve lost a few inches already!  Having seen results already is motivation enough to keep going.  Today I did a 50 second plank which is a huge deal for me!  When I started I could only hold it for 13 seconds haha

Anyways, it’s really nice to be excited about something healthy and fun for once.  Maybe this is the start of a new life for me….

Sweet rain

I’m lying in listening to the sweet rain through my open window. The air smells like heaven and even my cat is pausing by the window frequently, sniffing the air with ears perked. Could it finally be spring? Change is in the air….