Lost

So deep and dark
I writhe in agony lying on the cold road
My body is ashes, I wait for the wind to take me away
Away from this hell
I’m so awful I’m so awful I’m so awful
All this pain inside
It’s killing me, it’s destroying my will
My mind is my own worst enemy
All these walls are closing in
I’m dying now, my tears hit the pavement
When will I learn?
There’s nothing left

One of Those Nights

I found this note on my phone that I wrote last June. It describes so accurately what I feel all too often so I thought I’d just share it.

The pain is like a deep ache that runs straight to my core. Sometimes I physically writhe in agony because of it. It’s like there’s something inside of me that is so raw and so real that is screaming to get out and it’s ripping my body apart to escape. It’s expanding in my chest and my head until I can’t breathe and I’m overwhelmed and my brittle bones start to fracture beneath the pressure. Sometimes my legs ache horribly because of it and my stomach feels sick and tied into knots. I want to scream and punch the wall and tear open my flesh to release this poison… But most of the time I hold it down deep inside until I can’t take it anymore and I just want to die. For some reason life always seems to become manageable after a while and I remain alive. But the pain always returns. I cry and I bite my lip till it bleeds. I wonder why I don’t carry a knife anymore but the truth is I don’t want to use it. Tonight is one of those nights.