I’m sitting in my big brown recliner that used to be my grandfather’s, with my laptop on my lap listening to random Nine Inch Nails songs on youtube. Honestly I kind of forgot this band existed. God, this music reminds me of the days when I used to love the struggle and tension of depression. I would let the dark and moody music of other people’s pain mix with my own and let it wash over me like a bleak wave of melancholy. I would sit in my pain, revel in it, and then make it worse on purpose. I guess it was some twisted kind of control thing, I dunno. I still want to do that sometimes, lie in my pain, let it overtake me, dragging me down into it’s endless depths. I know I can’t let myself go all the way anymore because I’ll either end up dead or lose everything I’ve gained…not sure which is worst at this point. Whatever. To my left is a small footstool on the floor with a two boxes of halloween candy sitting on top. Every once in a while I grab a mini Mars bar and devour it. Binge eating is the sort of thing that saves me from cutting, although the guilt of eating so much leads me to cut anyways sometimes. My cat just jumped up onto the arm of the chair. He really wants to sit on my lap but I have the laptop there so I shoo him away.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring.. I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and I still need to tidy up and have a shower before I go to bed because tomorrow is such a busy day.
I think that maybe I need to ease up on the meds so I can feel more…but not enough to want to kill myself. I don’t know how to explain it any better then that.
My Life Bipolar 