I’m Back

I’m going to try and sleep right away but I thought I’d poke my head back into the world of blogging for a moment before I go. My life has been quite a roller coaster for the past few months. Mostly it’s been decent but it’s starting to get hard again. Lots of things are triggering me again and I can’t seem to get in a good sleep lately even though I’m exhausted. Ah to be bipolar, or to be a woman lol. I am both ;). Honestly though, I’m really looking forward to sharing my thoughts and experiences with all of you again, it’s been way too long. It’s time to take a peak out of isolation again…ugh. Anyways I’m off to bed.

Love.

The Day The World Went Away

I’m sitting in my big brown recliner that used to be my grandfather’s, with my laptop on my lap listening to random Nine Inch Nails songs on youtube.  Honestly I kind of forgot this band existed.  God, this music reminds me of the days when I used to love the struggle and tension of depression.  I would let the dark and moody music of other people’s pain mix with my own and let it wash over me like a bleak wave of melancholy.  I would sit in my pain, revel in it, and then make it worse on purpose.  I guess it was some twisted kind of control thing, I dunno.  I still want to do that sometimes, lie in my pain, let it overtake me, dragging me down into it’s endless depths.  I know I can’t let myself go all the way anymore because I’ll either end up dead or lose everything I’ve gained…not sure which is worst at this point.  Whatever.  To my left is a small footstool on the floor with a two boxes of halloween candy sitting on top.  Every once in a while I grab a mini Mars bar and devour it.  Binge eating is the sort of thing that saves me from cutting, although the guilt of eating so much leads me to cut anyways sometimes.  My cat just jumped up onto the arm of the chair.  He really wants to sit on my lap but I have the laptop there so I shoo him away.  
I wonder what tomorrow will bring.. I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and I still need to tidy up and have a shower before I go to bed because tomorrow is such a busy day.

I think that maybe I need to ease up on the meds so I can feel more…but not enough to want to kill myself.  I don’t know how to explain it any better then that. 

3 Hours of Sleep; I’m Going Back to Bed

My parents came to visit and stayed with me for the last few days.  I hate lying to them and letting them think that I still have a job but I don’t want to break the news right before Christmas, it would just ruin everything.  I told them early this morning before they hit the road that I wanted to seek treatment.  I showed my dad a list of symptoms online about bipolar disorder and he agreed that most of them applied to me.  My mom hates the idea of me being bipolar and keeps thinking that if I just eat right and exercise that everything will get better, and although that is probably true it’s only a half truth.  I need more then that.  At the very least I need a professional to talk to but I still keep thinking about going on meds.  I hate the fact that I have to struggle with keeping this thing a secret because most people can’t handle the truth.  Even some of my closest friends associate being bipolar with being crazy and use the word bipolar as an insult or don’t respect people who are living with it.  I think it’s just a huge misunderstanding but it still brings so much judgement.  I don’t them to make me feel worse about myself then I already do. 

I know that the holidays are exceptionally stressful and maybe that’s what has been setting me off these days but I’m still having insomnia every night and when I do finally fall asleep I’m having night terrors.  I almost had a panic attack again yesterday.  Not fun.  I’m frustrated with my mom having to update my whole extended family that I moved and what job I had etc. etc. because now they all want to visit me at work, or ask questions about what I’m up to these days or why I moved and I don’t want to answer them.  Plus, if they do go to where I was working, they won’t find me there and they’ll just start asking more questions.  I know it’s not really a big deal but I wish I could just keep everything in my whole life private.  I hate when everybody knows when I’m attempting university again because I have yet to have succeeded at that and at this point nobody believes I can do it and when they find out I’m trying again it’s just a big joke and I feel so stupid and ashamed and want to hide forever.

I’ve been isolatng myself again, especially now that I’ve walked out on my job.  It’s really hard to isolate during the Christmas holidays so I’ve just been making up a fake schedule of when I’m available and when I’m not and then lying about going to work when actually I’m at home curled up in bed unable to face the world and feeling like a horible person.  I found a comic about a guy sitting at home by himself thinking “I want to go out” so he goes out.  Once he is out of the house and at a party surrounded by people he thinks “I want to go home”.  That’s how I feel all the time.  Isolation sucks.  Being around people sucks.  Nothing is really satisfying.  I want to go see friends but when I make the plans to do so I start to think of a million excuses why I can’t go and then most of the time I bail on them and then beat myself up about it at night.  Why do I do that?