Today I actually felt pretty good up until about the last half hour of my shift tonight. I was working with one other girl and we were getting along great until some of her friends stopped by and then she just stood around and chatted with them while I worked around them awkwardly. At the end of the shift I went into the back to get something and when I came out she and all her friends were gone and all the lights were turned off and I just felt completely abandonned. It was such an awful feeling. I’ve been trying to tell myself all night that it’s not a big deal and that it’s not like we’re friends or anything and she is 10 years younger then me so we’re not of the same maturity but it’s not working. My day was basically ruined because I can’t seem to get that bitter taste out of my mouth.
I feel like I’m fucking up. I’m trying so hard to get stable but once again here I am still awake at 3:30am watching movies, writing, and painstakingly overanalyzing every thought that dares to run through my mind. I have tomorrow off, thank God, but I’ve been invited to a friends place for supper and I’m kind of dreading it. I’m always like that and it drives me crazy. Social interaction causes me so much anxiety and I don’t really know why. I guess that’s a big part of why I’ve completely isolated myself for almost a year. The ironic thing is that I am so overwhelmed by loneliness at the same time. I want to go visit my friend and her family but another part of me just wants to stay home and be alone with my crazy thoughts and inner turmoil. I don’t really want to go back to work but at the same time I do.
I know that if I lose this job that my parents will probably stop helping me out and being so kind to me. They probably wouldn’t let me live in their new condo anymore if I couldn’t pay rent. I hate knowing that I am such a burden to them. I have been calling them every day for months because they’re the only people I can stand talking to these days yet I can’t open up to them about anything real. They always say that they like it when I call but I don’t know if that’s true anymore. I hesitate to call them now and it hurts me so much because I desperately need someone to talk to but the conflict in me is overwhleming and I don’t want to be such a burden to them anymore.
Sometimes when I feel this way I wish I didn’t exist, that way I couldn’t hurt my family anymore. I know suicide is definitely not the answer but I’m just being honest. I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to be constantly in pain anymore. Make it stop. Please…somebody…just make it fucking stop.
I realize that I have a lot of abandonment issues from my childhood. In elementary school the few girls that were my age all turned on me and deliberately left me out of their circle. Whenever I got put into a group project with them, or with anybody for that matter, they always complained about getting stuck with me, like it was the worst thing that could happen to them. It took me like 20 years after that to even begin to think that I was smart and that I had worth. I remember when those girls stopped inviting me to their birthday parties because they were past the age where their parents just invited their whole class. I remember overhearing their conversations about how happy and relieved they were that their mothers didn’t make them invite me anymore. It killed me.
I don’t think I’ve recovered from any of that yet and that is just the tip of the iceburg. It never got better. I hated every part of elementary school, junior high and high school. Those were some of the absolute worst years of my life. Even thinking and writing about these things is bringing back wave after crippling wave of pain. Fuck them all.
I’m going to bed.
My Life Bipolar 