I think I’m being kicked up into mania. I’m so ragey, have been for several days. Everything is pissing me off and my head is spinning and my thoughts are racing and I can’t stop moving, whether its pacing or my hands shaking. I’m restless. I’m on the brink of a panic attack. My heart is racing.
I’ve been jumping through hoops to get disability and they put me on it temporarily which is better then nothing. Today I had my final interview and last giant application to fill out. Everybody who I’ve spoke to along the way has said that I have a very good chance of being accepted and have been very positive. The lady who interviewed me this morning was also positive and said that she collected a lot of great information after the interview so I was feeling very good. Then she dropped a bombshell, or what felt like one to me anyways. She said that the board that reviews the applications rarely approve of disability going to young people. I looked at her funny and she gave me this weird sympathetic shrug. Why, after all these green lights and high hopes would someone drop this red…barely amber light on me? Rage.
My mood went from hopeful to devastated to rage in a matter of seconds. I forced a fake smile, shook her hand and left.
I worked out a bit when I got home to try and feel better but my heart wasn’t in it. All I could feel was everything that I described at the beginning of this entry. Fire is pulsing through my veins. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I’m talking to myself a lot more these days, is that weird? I keep fantasizing about the conversations I wish I had the nerve to have with my parents and relatives and doctors and hoop holders. Mostly I want to tell everybody off. Every fibre of my being is stressed to the max.
Yesterday I had an amazing day, everything about it was perfect and I was flying high. Every single time I have one good day.. EVERY SINGLE TIME! I always crash so hard into this awful mixed state. Maybe it’s a mixed state, maybe it’s mania or maybe it’s rapid cycling… I think it could be the last one. It’s unbelievably horrible.
My Life Bipolar 