Jacked Up

Ugghh….I had two social get togethers today and at the first one I had a large green tea and the second one I had a big iced coffee and after having no caffine for months the caffine plus my meds has pushed me over the edge.  I feel like I’m manic but not the good kind of manic.  I’m shaking and freaking out and jacked up about everything and beyond irritable.  On top of that when I have important plans and they fall through that tends to send me spiraling.  That’s what happened today as well, my pdoc was supposed to fill out an important form for me and I was supposed to pick it up this afternoon.  I called this in last week and they said it would be ready to go today.  I got there and it wasn’t done, they didn’t even know what I was talking about at first until they dug out the empty form and asked me if it was the right one.  Then they told me it would be done in 10 minutes.  After waiting over half an hour I went up to the desk and asked if I should come back in the morning, they said he’d be busy tomorrow.  I told them I needed it this week because timing was crucial.  Ugh..I’m just freaking out and my stimulant I’m on plus a boatload of caffine (for me it’s a lot) plus stress, plus driving back and forth between here and the farm a lot (which is hours away) and the pressure from family to not be on disability and to get a job plus being made to feel guilty for spending a little bit of money plus getting a letter in the mail stating there’s a recall on my car and I have to take it in is all adding up to disaster in this moment.  Where the fuck is my ativan?! aaaaaaaah haha….ahh… I’m trying to calm down.  My mom keeps telling me to calm down when I talked to her on the phone and she keeps repeating over and over again to finish what I’ve started like cleaning my apartment and helping them at the farm even though I’ve said I’d do it already she keeps repeating it.  It’s driving me nuts.  When I’m all worked up and someone tries to be helpful by telling me to calm down it just makes me even more worked up and upset and then I burst into tears because I’m so fucking frustrated at everything, especially the fact that I can’t calm myself down.  The change of visiting the farm and coming back to the city is also triggering me.  It always triggers me.  Every time I take a trip anywhere for more than a day always sends me spiraling whether a lot or a little.  I hate it.

Any advice?  How do other people calm down when they’re so worked up?  I don’t know what to do.  If it gets really really bad then I take sleeping pills or something and just put myself to bed.

So Much Rage

I think I’m being kicked up into mania. I’m so ragey, have been for several days. Everything is pissing me off and my head is spinning and my thoughts are racing and I can’t stop moving, whether its pacing or my hands shaking. I’m restless. I’m on the brink of a panic attack. My heart is racing.

I’ve been jumping through hoops to get disability and they put me on it temporarily which is better then nothing. Today I had my final interview and last giant application to fill out. Everybody who I’ve spoke to along the way has said that I have a very good chance of being accepted and have been very positive. The lady who interviewed me this morning was also positive and said that she collected a lot of great information after the interview so I was feeling very good. Then she dropped a bombshell, or what felt like one to me anyways. She said that the board that reviews the applications rarely approve of disability going to young people. I looked at her funny and she gave me this weird sympathetic shrug. Why, after all these green lights and high hopes would someone drop this red…barely amber light on me? Rage.

My mood went from hopeful to devastated to rage in a matter of seconds. I forced a fake smile, shook her hand and left.

I worked out a bit when I got home to try and feel better but my heart wasn’t in it. All I could feel was everything that I described at the beginning of this entry. Fire is pulsing through my veins. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I’m talking to myself a lot more these days, is that weird? I keep fantasizing about the conversations I wish I had the nerve to have with my parents and relatives and doctors and hoop holders. Mostly I want to tell everybody off. Every fibre of my being is stressed to the max.

Yesterday I had an amazing day, everything about it was perfect and I was flying high. Every single time I have one good day.. EVERY SINGLE TIME! I always crash so hard into this awful mixed state. Maybe it’s a mixed state, maybe it’s mania or maybe it’s rapid cycling… I think it could be the last one. It’s unbelievably horrible.

Benefit of the Doubt

I’m the type of person who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I can’t handle my family’s passivity and disinterest in me as of late.  It’s really bothering me and hurtful and making me feel inferior and alone.  For example: the last 2 days I’ve talked to my parents on the phone and I’ve been excited about trying new recipes and working out, or random pieces of interesting knowledge and when I take a pause to let them respond…..nothing.  Dead silence.  Usually if they’re not as excited as something as I am I’ll usually get a “I’m glad you’re trying new things” or “It’s great to see you motivated and and interested in something” or at least the non-commital polite response and acknowledgement of what you just said “that’s interesting”…but lately it’s been nothing.  Dead silence.  Flat voices.  Pure disinterest, blatent kill joy responses, disrespect, and basicly making me feel like I don’t matter, and what makes me happy doesn’t matter.  My mom even has the nerve to reply “who cares” or “whatever”.  There isn’t a shred of kindness in her voice, just dismissal.

I called my sister this evening to invite her and her husband over for supper tomorrow night because my parents are coming to the city and spending a night here.  Her voice was also flat and uninterested, like I was wasting her time.  She wasn’t even listening to me as I was trying to talk to her, she was playing a game on her ipad instead.  She didn’t even bother engaging except for a few one word answers.  When she said they would come she then asked doubtfully if my meal would be vegetarian (because that’s what she is which is fine) and have no meat in it and then asked if she should just bring something.  I was offended by that, maybe it’s because my family is frustrating me to death these days (and always) and maybe she was just trying to be helpful (me trying to give her the benefit of the doubt) but I was still offended.  I told her I was very capable of making a vegetarian meal.  She just responded flatly with an “ok”.

I don’t understand all this lifelessness coming from my family towards me.  I think the fact that I’m going on disability has a big part to play in it.  I’ve never been their perfect child like my other siblings with their degrees and spouses, but it’s as though I’ve dropped ANOTHER rank in their eyes (if that’s even possible) because I’ve fully admitted and been formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I’ve decided to get treatment for it.  In my eyes, if I had a child with a mental illness who decided to take care of herself and get professional help for herself I’d be praising her and very supportive!  Being on disability is nothing to be ashamed of.  It does not mean you are lazy, it does not mean that you are weak.  The whole purpose of disability funding is to take that time and focus on making your life better, and healthier, and give you the financial stability and freedom to accomplish that!  Fuck!  I’m so incredibly at my family’s response and lack of empathy and understanding of my illness and limitations.  It’s not that I don’t explain things to them time and time again and send them information and literature on the subject.  They just don’t listen, or read what I send them.  In their eyes I’m just the “screw-up middle child” that I’ve always been.  They have this idea of me burned into their brains that is all lies and they refuse to see the truth and give me a chance.  I don’t have a hope against all those lies and preconcieved notions about me because they refuse to see the truth.  I can’t compete with that. 

Wisdom is wasted on the foolish.

I wish my parents weren’t coming for the night tomorrow.  My mom is going to be a nightmare as always.  She won’t even have her foot in the door before she starts frowning and glaring and criticizing everything in site about how I keep my apartment, and then she’ll start cleaning everything like a mad woman even though I already cleaned everything just to belittle me.

It hurts.  It hurts a lot.

I ran/walked 5k today, and did a bunch of circuit training which felt good.  My left knee hurts though…I iced it for a while but it still hurts so I’m not sure what’s happening there, gotta take it easy. 

I was at my sister’s house a few nights ago because I had a random and strong allergic reaction to coconut in some baking I was doing and didn’t want to be alone in case it got worse, and she called mom on speaker phone to tell her that I was alright.  My mom must have thought that she wasn’t on speaker because she sighed and made comments about me like “she’s always a worry” as though I inflicted this on myself somehow just to gain their attention or something. 

I just……..I know I talk about my family a lot in this blog, but they make me feel so worthless; like a waste, like a mistake they wish they could take back.  I wish they would stop forcing me into this mold that I was never meant to be in.  I can’t win.  And having bipoar on top of all this makes me such a disgrace to them.  They whisper amongst themselves and amongst family members, those quiet whispers of shame and disgrace.  “It’s so sad” they say to each other “it’s all just so sad”….well it’s not sad!  It’s not fucking sad!  It’s just a reality!  Life goes on!  I can still do things!  I’m still a person!  In fact, I’m the same person I’ve always been!  WHY MUST I BE REDUCED TO WORTHLESS AND USELESS BECAUSE OF A DIAGNOSIS?!!!!  There’s no shame in being bipolar! Just like there’s no shame in being a diabetic!  Or any other life long ailment!  IT JUST IS!!!!!!  AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!  *bangs head against wall repeatedly*

So…I’m a little worked up…

I still exist.  I am a person.  I deserved to be taken seriously.  I have value.  I have plenty to give.

I don’t know what to do….

Spacing out

I feel strange today.  It’s cold outside so I stayed home basically all day working on a new piece of art and doing laundry and watching movies.  I actually felt generally good but I could feel this pressing saddness that was just off in the distance and I felt sort of fragile, like I could easily cry at any moment.  I’ve also been really spacy lately and it’s starting to really bother me.  I’ve been forgetting things more then normal.  My memory is already bad but it seems worse lately, like someone could be telling me a basic instruction and I would forget it instantly as soon as they were done talking and I acknoweldged that I understood.  It’s very frustrating.  I was at my sisters house tonight watching a movie and I plugged the kettle in to boil water and as soon as it clicked off and I got up to go make the tea I would instantly be distracted by something, like the movie or conversation and then sit down again and it would be gone from my mind.  My sister reminded me of the kettle so I got up and made my cup of tea and left it on the counter to steep and went back to the living room for a few minutes and again completely forgot about my cup.  A little while later my sister reminded me that my tea was probably ready and it bothered me a lot that I had completely forgotten about it.  I feel like my brain has been functioning like this for a few days now and I’m not sure why.  I’ve been making an effort to eat better, and get work done and trying to get in a decent amount of sleep.  I feel generally happier then I have in a while but this spaciness seems to be getting worse.  I’m not on any medications either so that’s not the problem.  Maybe it’s another sign that I need to be on medications?  I really don’t know.  I even feel this sort of fuzziness in my head and it’s a bit of a struggle to string together words to form clear thoughts that I’m trying to communicate…

I do not like this feeling one bit.

Annoyed; Very Throroughly Annoyed

I am so annoyed right now and I’m trying to let it go but what happened this afternoon at lunch is just irking me and won’t go away.  I went to church with my sister and her husband this morning and then afterwards we went for lunch with 2 other married couples that they are friends with.  First of all, being in a group of 7 people where everybody is paired off and married except me is awkward and uncomfortable enough.  I kept trying to give myself a mental pep talk saying that it was great that they were including me and wanted me to come along and that I should be more thankful for this situation but that didn’t last long.  They all kept talking about married life and marriage topics and ring sizes etc. etc. and I just couldn’t relate to any of it.  I’m so sick of marriage topics, and wedding talk that it just makes me over the top frustrated and well aware of how single I am and how fucked up I feel and it brings out all my insecurities of ever finding a good man that can have grace and understanding for all my crazy.  The topic turned to word games (which are my favourite, I’ve always loved word games) and they started talking about UpWords and how you’re not allowed to just play an “s” at the end of a word to make it plural, you have to form a new word as well.  Then they started trying to think of words that you could add an “s” to at the beginning to make it a new word.  I said you can take the word et and put an “s” in front of it to make it set and the whole group got on my case saying that it wasn’t a real word.  I told them it was another word meaning the past tense of eat and still nobody believe me and were all loud and in my face about it.  Finally I grabbed my iPhone out of my bag and looked it up and showed them the definition.  Everybody was still skeptical and rolling their eyes at it saying that it was ridiculous and shouldn’t be a word.  I was thoroughly annoyed by this point.  THEN, my brother-in-law had the brilliant idea to state that if nobody had heard of this word before or any other word then it shouldn’t be real.  That was the most absurd and ridiculous thing that I had ever heard in my life.  All of these people were educated people and yet they were so ignorant about this statement.  All of the couples around the table vigorously nodded their heads and voiced their agreement with the notion.  I was thoroughly pissed off at this point and trying really hard not to show it.  Obviously they’re not enlightened enough to follow or accept the rules and words of the english language.  If you applied that notion to everything else in life it just proves over and over how ridiculous it is.  I could look at a calculous problem and if I had never seen it before, instead of following the rules to solve it, just claim that it isn’t real.  Absurd.

Fuck it.  I hate loud people who claim they are right about everything and that only their opinions matter.

This is why I probably won’t be hanging out with these people ever again.  My brother-in-law has already been getting on my nerves these past few days but this took the cake.  I’ll see my sister and her husband again obviously but I don’t want to hang out in their happy little married circle, it’s obviously not for me.