Jacked Up

Ugghh….I had two social get togethers today and at the first one I had a large green tea and the second one I had a big iced coffee and after having no caffine for months the caffine plus my meds has pushed me over the edge.  I feel like I’m manic but not the good kind of manic.  I’m shaking and freaking out and jacked up about everything and beyond irritable.  On top of that when I have important plans and they fall through that tends to send me spiraling.  That’s what happened today as well, my pdoc was supposed to fill out an important form for me and I was supposed to pick it up this afternoon.  I called this in last week and they said it would be ready to go today.  I got there and it wasn’t done, they didn’t even know what I was talking about at first until they dug out the empty form and asked me if it was the right one.  Then they told me it would be done in 10 minutes.  After waiting over half an hour I went up to the desk and asked if I should come back in the morning, they said he’d be busy tomorrow.  I told them I needed it this week because timing was crucial.  Ugh..I’m just freaking out and my stimulant I’m on plus a boatload of caffine (for me it’s a lot) plus stress, plus driving back and forth between here and the farm a lot (which is hours away) and the pressure from family to not be on disability and to get a job plus being made to feel guilty for spending a little bit of money plus getting a letter in the mail stating there’s a recall on my car and I have to take it in is all adding up to disaster in this moment.  Where the fuck is my ativan?! aaaaaaaah haha….ahh… I’m trying to calm down.  My mom keeps telling me to calm down when I talked to her on the phone and she keeps repeating over and over again to finish what I’ve started like cleaning my apartment and helping them at the farm even though I’ve said I’d do it already she keeps repeating it.  It’s driving me nuts.  When I’m all worked up and someone tries to be helpful by telling me to calm down it just makes me even more worked up and upset and then I burst into tears because I’m so fucking frustrated at everything, especially the fact that I can’t calm myself down.  The change of visiting the farm and coming back to the city is also triggering me.  It always triggers me.  Every time I take a trip anywhere for more than a day always sends me spiraling whether a lot or a little.  I hate it.

Any advice?  How do other people calm down when they’re so worked up?  I don’t know what to do.  If it gets really really bad then I take sleeping pills or something and just put myself to bed.

Side Effects?

I think I’m starting to feel some side effects from my meds.  On Tuesday I upped my dose from 25mg to 50mg and at first I felt great and I had some REALLY good days.  But immediately after that especially good day I couldn’t sleep.  My body was tired but it was as though I no longer had a sleep centre or it couldn’t shut its self off.  It sucks.  I’ve been a little off the last few days because I’ve had this weird insomnia for a few nights in a row.  It’s unlike the insomnia I had before, I don’t really know how to describe it.  It’s like my body shuts down 90% and that left over 10% awakedness won’t go away.  I finally broke down and lost it tonight.  At first I had no idea what was going on and it was pretty scary.  I thought about taking myself to the hospital.  I just felt beyond irritable and frustrated and couldn’t sit still from all the emotional pain inside.  My skin was so prickly (and still is) and I know for sure that’s from the meds.  I finally got up to go to the bathroom to pull myself together to go for a drive because driving usually calms me down over time (although I recognize that it could be dangerous potentially, in this state of being).  I just ended up crying and half screaming into my hands so my neighbours in my building wouldn’t hear me.  I felt so violent and out of control.  I wanted to cut.  I wanted to throw myself through the bathroom door.  I wanted to smash my mirror.  I just wanted to destroy everything.  Finally I could breathe again and opened the bathroom door and my cat was sitting there in the hallway patiently waiting for me.  It was as though he knew I needed him.  I picked him up and went to the living room and just sat and petted him for a while as I rambled out loud between random sobs.  Eventually I felt more stable and decided not to go for a drive and to just stay home.  I did some research and discovered that Lamictal can cause high levels of anxiety and panic while your dose is being increased as well as insomnia.  I guess it helps a little bit to know where it’s coming from (this time anyways) but it really really sucks.  But at least I have had a few good days this week to be thankful for.

Anxiety

I feel very anxious right now, on the verge of having a panic attack.  I just took my 5th dose of Lamictal tonight.  I was pretty depressed all day and a little bit weepy, but tonight the anxiety is just taking over.  I hate how I have no control over it.  I’ve been home most of the day because of it, and when I was out shopping for a few craft supplies I was feeling anxious and moody and a bit out of it and couldn’t wait to get back home.  That little trip out into the world left me feeling exhausted and irritable and grateful to be back within the security of these walls.  Anxiety is almost worse then depression.  My whole body is restless, especially my legs.  My head hurts, my heart is pounding, my thoughts are racing, and I want to cut.  I’m trying really hard not to…

Please, somebody tell me…. Does being Bipolar ever get any easier?

Just a Feeling…

You know when things are going suprisingly well for a few days, and your able to cope, and you’re feeling supported and actually getting along with your parents and starting to hang out with friends again and thinking to yourself that maybe it’s time to look for a job again because you’re feeling good and fairly energetic and motivated and generally happy?  *inhale*

I’m having a hard time being happy because I know this happiness never lasts and suddenly without warning my mood will shift and I will plummet back down into chaos and emotional turmoil and lows so low I’m wondering how I am still even alive and concious…  And if I actually get hired in this time of high function or mania or stability or whatever this is, in a few weeks or days time I’ll be unable to get off the floor and my boss will be like “wtf?” and I’ll have ruined another opportunity because I took on more then I could handle because I felt like I could in the moment.  Does any of this make sense?

I’m waiting for things to get bad again.  I don’t like that.  I’m having anxiety over being happy?!  This is weird……..

I feel like hell is right around the corner.. and it’s not in my head, it’s the truth.