Jacked Up

Ugghh….I had two social get togethers today and at the first one I had a large green tea and the second one I had a big iced coffee and after having no caffine for months the caffine plus my meds has pushed me over the edge.  I feel like I’m manic but not the good kind of manic.  I’m shaking and freaking out and jacked up about everything and beyond irritable.  On top of that when I have important plans and they fall through that tends to send me spiraling.  That’s what happened today as well, my pdoc was supposed to fill out an important form for me and I was supposed to pick it up this afternoon.  I called this in last week and they said it would be ready to go today.  I got there and it wasn’t done, they didn’t even know what I was talking about at first until they dug out the empty form and asked me if it was the right one.  Then they told me it would be done in 10 minutes.  After waiting over half an hour I went up to the desk and asked if I should come back in the morning, they said he’d be busy tomorrow.  I told them I needed it this week because timing was crucial.  Ugh..I’m just freaking out and my stimulant I’m on plus a boatload of caffine (for me it’s a lot) plus stress, plus driving back and forth between here and the farm a lot (which is hours away) and the pressure from family to not be on disability and to get a job plus being made to feel guilty for spending a little bit of money plus getting a letter in the mail stating there’s a recall on my car and I have to take it in is all adding up to disaster in this moment.  Where the fuck is my ativan?! aaaaaaaah haha….ahh… I’m trying to calm down.  My mom keeps telling me to calm down when I talked to her on the phone and she keeps repeating over and over again to finish what I’ve started like cleaning my apartment and helping them at the farm even though I’ve said I’d do it already she keeps repeating it.  It’s driving me nuts.  When I’m all worked up and someone tries to be helpful by telling me to calm down it just makes me even more worked up and upset and then I burst into tears because I’m so fucking frustrated at everything, especially the fact that I can’t calm myself down.  The change of visiting the farm and coming back to the city is also triggering me.  It always triggers me.  Every time I take a trip anywhere for more than a day always sends me spiraling whether a lot or a little.  I hate it.

Any advice?  How do other people calm down when they’re so worked up?  I don’t know what to do.  If it gets really really bad then I take sleeping pills or something and just put myself to bed.

Ok, Not OK, Ok Again

Tonight I had a panic attack that lasted for a good 15 minutes.  I had a pretty good day all things considered, I even took Concerta this morning and didn’t feel sick at all from it, I think I even felt good.  I didn’t sleep at all last night, and I had a 2 hour nap this afternoon, so in the past 36 hours or more I’ve only had 2 hours of sleep.  I was sitting in my living room watching the end of season 2 of The O.C. and I noticed I was feeling sad, and a little bit on the verge of being weepy.   I have been keeping very close tabs on my emotions these days especially since I started medication to see if it has been making any bit of difference.  The show ended and it was sad and I cried a little which I thought was fine and then suddenly I started hyperventilating which really caught me off guard.  The fast breathing got worse and my chest and head started to hurt and I started crying really hard and couldn’t stop.  I couldn’t catch my breath, my heart was pounding, I was crying so hard I was worried one of the neighbours would hear me and be concerned and that anxiety just kept fueling the fire.  Finally after 15 minutes or so I forced myself to take a deep breath and let it out slowly even though everything in me faught against it.  I took another slow deep breath, and then another, and another.  My whole body was shaking and my head was spinning.  I sat there for a few minutes to gain my barings and then slowly got up and went to my bedroom and lay down on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.  Everything in my body seemed to be tense and painful.  I called my best friend on the phone and in a trembling voice told her what had happened and she listened to me tenderly and prayed for me and found a good scripture for me to read out loud which was Psalm 91.  I read it out loud with her on the phone and I could already start to feel God’s peace enveloping me.  Just talking about God brought me strength and I could hear my voice growing stronger.  Now my mind is feeling clearer and more at rest and all that remains are the physical symptoms of my panic attack but that’s ok, they aren’t what’s important and needing to be focused on.  What’s important, I’ve come to the conclusion, is that it’s time I found a good church community where I can have real conversations with real people.  So that will be my next goal, my next step.

Side Effects?

I think I’m starting to feel some side effects from my meds.  On Tuesday I upped my dose from 25mg to 50mg and at first I felt great and I had some REALLY good days.  But immediately after that especially good day I couldn’t sleep.  My body was tired but it was as though I no longer had a sleep centre or it couldn’t shut its self off.  It sucks.  I’ve been a little off the last few days because I’ve had this weird insomnia for a few nights in a row.  It’s unlike the insomnia I had before, I don’t really know how to describe it.  It’s like my body shuts down 90% and that left over 10% awakedness won’t go away.  I finally broke down and lost it tonight.  At first I had no idea what was going on and it was pretty scary.  I thought about taking myself to the hospital.  I just felt beyond irritable and frustrated and couldn’t sit still from all the emotional pain inside.  My skin was so prickly (and still is) and I know for sure that’s from the meds.  I finally got up to go to the bathroom to pull myself together to go for a drive because driving usually calms me down over time (although I recognize that it could be dangerous potentially, in this state of being).  I just ended up crying and half screaming into my hands so my neighbours in my building wouldn’t hear me.  I felt so violent and out of control.  I wanted to cut.  I wanted to throw myself through the bathroom door.  I wanted to smash my mirror.  I just wanted to destroy everything.  Finally I could breathe again and opened the bathroom door and my cat was sitting there in the hallway patiently waiting for me.  It was as though he knew I needed him.  I picked him up and went to the living room and just sat and petted him for a while as I rambled out loud between random sobs.  Eventually I felt more stable and decided not to go for a drive and to just stay home.  I did some research and discovered that Lamictal can cause high levels of anxiety and panic while your dose is being increased as well as insomnia.  I guess it helps a little bit to know where it’s coming from (this time anyways) but it really really sucks.  But at least I have had a few good days this week to be thankful for.

Anxiety

I feel very anxious right now, on the verge of having a panic attack.  I just took my 5th dose of Lamictal tonight.  I was pretty depressed all day and a little bit weepy, but tonight the anxiety is just taking over.  I hate how I have no control over it.  I’ve been home most of the day because of it, and when I was out shopping for a few craft supplies I was feeling anxious and moody and a bit out of it and couldn’t wait to get back home.  That little trip out into the world left me feeling exhausted and irritable and grateful to be back within the security of these walls.  Anxiety is almost worse then depression.  My whole body is restless, especially my legs.  My head hurts, my heart is pounding, my thoughts are racing, and I want to cut.  I’m trying really hard not to…

Please, somebody tell me…. Does being Bipolar ever get any easier?

Panic Attack

Today I slept in and then worked on one of my woodburning projects that I’m striving to finish so I can give it to my parents for Christmas.  After 2 and a half hours of slow, meticulous work, and watching episodes of Parenthood, I began to feel strange.  I paused, and a slow pain began to pulse in my head and suddenly my half decent mood was falling and falling and I could feel the agitation settling in and the panic begin to rise.  I stood up and paced around my living room trying to figure out what was bringing on this panic attack and that only made things worse.  I paced and cried and the emotional and physical pain that came with that was awful.  I finally took an Ativan and then called my sister’s doctor to see if she was taking any new patients (which she wasn’t) but another doctor in the clinic was so I was able to get an appointment for tomorrow morning because I told the receptionist that I needed to get in to see someone asap.

How can I have had such a good day yesterday and then everything just comes crashing down today and gets even worse then it was before?  I just feel so desperate for some sort of normalcy.  I’m so stressed about not having a job and needing to pay rent and bills and buy groceries, and I know that my family doesn’t really want to help me anymore financially because they’ve helped me so much already.  When I tell my parents that I’m struggling like this I think it just upsets them more then anything and that doesn’t help either of us.  I’m really hoping that this doctors appointment tomorrow will change things and that they will be able to refer me in to see a great psychiatrist and that somehow I can get hooked up with free psychotherapy like what I had going for me in Edmonton.

I feel like I’m just fraying around the edges and soon all of me will unravel.  What is happening to me?