Weird

I feel weird tonight. I feel a bit of tension in my body, this touch of restlessness. But otherwise I feel nothing. I’m catching myself zoning out, staring at things. My emotions are flatlining. I’m not depressed, just…off. I really thought about cutting. I guess I feel somewhat numb. I’m trying to force myself not to give in and let myself fall into the downward spiral of emotional turmoil.

I hate the fact that I have to take pills. One blue one, one peach one, one dark green one, one white one, one turquoise one… Sometimes it feels like they have the power over me instead of I over them. Sometimes I’m winning but tonight I’m on the bench.

Bipolar 2 and PMS

Sometimes I dislike being a woman.  I find it hard enough to balance my moods at the best of times having to live with being Bipolar 2, but when that time of the month comes around forget balance, commence hell.  It’s as though my medications suddenly stop working and my mood plummets into deep depression, despair, extreme irritability, being easily offended, and crying at the drop of a hat.  The turmoil I feel is ampilfied 10 fold the week before I get my period.  I don’t always realize what is happening and start to get very worked up and concerned as to why I feel like I’m losing my mind, but then I look at the calander and realize that these crazy over-the-top feelings that I have always seem to happen during PMS.  I have sort of self diagnosed myself with PMDD which stands for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.  I get to the point where I want to cut, where I want to hurt myself and scream and cry hysterically, where I feel so alone, and my rage and irritability is blinding.  I contemplate suicide, I contemplate doing irrational things like driving to a different province just to be with friends so I don’t have to be alone.  I eat everything.  I spend ridiculous amounts of money ordering in food because I don’t want to shower or leave myself or interact with people (which is ironic because of the overwhelming loneliness I feel).

The good news is that I finally know that this hell week (or 2 sometimes) is predictable and I can sort of prepare myself for it.  I try to cramp down on my spending regardless of the recklessness that I feel, and I try very hard to eat healthy, and if I have to pig out (which I always do) I try and have healthy snacks around instead of sugar.  As far as interacting with people I’m still a bit of a ticking time bomb so I generally tend to isolate myself, whether that’s good or bad I’m not sure. 

Coupled with PMS hormones I also just got back from a week long holiday with my parents (I love holidaying with my parents by the way, they’re the best!) and any kind of change like that always throws me off.  Last night was just brutal.  I was all over the place just restless, depressed, feeling rejected (for no reason) feeling alone, crying inceasantly, everything was triggering me.  I really wanted to cut but thank God I didn’t.  I have decided recently that I just don’t want any more scars so that is what I remind myself of when I feel the urge to cut.  Somehow I managed to make it through last night.  I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, not perfect, but not too bad.  I went to the gym and really pushed myself and almost randomly burst into tears so I hurried into the locker room, grabbed my stuff and went home.  Luckily I had pretty much done everything I had wanted to accomplish at the gym anyways.

I’ve applied to go to school for graphic design this fall and I’m very motivated to do well because this field is right up my alley.  The only thing I’m concerned about is this PMS stretch of days every month where I fall hard.  Other then that my meds have been working incredibly well to balance my moods and I even think that perhaps I’ve found the sweet spot at all the dosage levels.  I guess only time will tell but I have been high functioning for about 6 weeks now, maybe even longer then that which is a miracle! Praise God!

Peace

Jacked Up

Ugghh….I had two social get togethers today and at the first one I had a large green tea and the second one I had a big iced coffee and after having no caffine for months the caffine plus my meds has pushed me over the edge.  I feel like I’m manic but not the good kind of manic.  I’m shaking and freaking out and jacked up about everything and beyond irritable.  On top of that when I have important plans and they fall through that tends to send me spiraling.  That’s what happened today as well, my pdoc was supposed to fill out an important form for me and I was supposed to pick it up this afternoon.  I called this in last week and they said it would be ready to go today.  I got there and it wasn’t done, they didn’t even know what I was talking about at first until they dug out the empty form and asked me if it was the right one.  Then they told me it would be done in 10 minutes.  After waiting over half an hour I went up to the desk and asked if I should come back in the morning, they said he’d be busy tomorrow.  I told them I needed it this week because timing was crucial.  Ugh..I’m just freaking out and my stimulant I’m on plus a boatload of caffine (for me it’s a lot) plus stress, plus driving back and forth between here and the farm a lot (which is hours away) and the pressure from family to not be on disability and to get a job plus being made to feel guilty for spending a little bit of money plus getting a letter in the mail stating there’s a recall on my car and I have to take it in is all adding up to disaster in this moment.  Where the fuck is my ativan?! aaaaaaaah haha….ahh… I’m trying to calm down.  My mom keeps telling me to calm down when I talked to her on the phone and she keeps repeating over and over again to finish what I’ve started like cleaning my apartment and helping them at the farm even though I’ve said I’d do it already she keeps repeating it.  It’s driving me nuts.  When I’m all worked up and someone tries to be helpful by telling me to calm down it just makes me even more worked up and upset and then I burst into tears because I’m so fucking frustrated at everything, especially the fact that I can’t calm myself down.  The change of visiting the farm and coming back to the city is also triggering me.  It always triggers me.  Every time I take a trip anywhere for more than a day always sends me spiraling whether a lot or a little.  I hate it.

Any advice?  How do other people calm down when they’re so worked up?  I don’t know what to do.  If it gets really really bad then I take sleeping pills or something and just put myself to bed.

Side Effects?

I think I’m starting to feel some side effects from my meds.  On Tuesday I upped my dose from 25mg to 50mg and at first I felt great and I had some REALLY good days.  But immediately after that especially good day I couldn’t sleep.  My body was tired but it was as though I no longer had a sleep centre or it couldn’t shut its self off.  It sucks.  I’ve been a little off the last few days because I’ve had this weird insomnia for a few nights in a row.  It’s unlike the insomnia I had before, I don’t really know how to describe it.  It’s like my body shuts down 90% and that left over 10% awakedness won’t go away.  I finally broke down and lost it tonight.  At first I had no idea what was going on and it was pretty scary.  I thought about taking myself to the hospital.  I just felt beyond irritable and frustrated and couldn’t sit still from all the emotional pain inside.  My skin was so prickly (and still is) and I know for sure that’s from the meds.  I finally got up to go to the bathroom to pull myself together to go for a drive because driving usually calms me down over time (although I recognize that it could be dangerous potentially, in this state of being).  I just ended up crying and half screaming into my hands so my neighbours in my building wouldn’t hear me.  I felt so violent and out of control.  I wanted to cut.  I wanted to throw myself through the bathroom door.  I wanted to smash my mirror.  I just wanted to destroy everything.  Finally I could breathe again and opened the bathroom door and my cat was sitting there in the hallway patiently waiting for me.  It was as though he knew I needed him.  I picked him up and went to the living room and just sat and petted him for a while as I rambled out loud between random sobs.  Eventually I felt more stable and decided not to go for a drive and to just stay home.  I did some research and discovered that Lamictal can cause high levels of anxiety and panic while your dose is being increased as well as insomnia.  I guess it helps a little bit to know where it’s coming from (this time anyways) but it really really sucks.  But at least I have had a few good days this week to be thankful for.

And Finally: Meds

Well, the title says it all.  I saw a psychiatrist finally last Tuesday (which also happened to be Mental Health Day! Ha!) and I filled out this giant questionaire and family history and then had an interview with him.  He prescribed Lamictal and said it was the most appropriate mood stabilizer for Bipolar II.  It sure takes a long time to get up to full dose, like 5 or 6 weeks.  I’m finally in a place where I wanted to try meds because nothing else is working.  Today (friday) was day 4.  I notice that my skin feels a bit prickly shortly after I take the pill but it wears off, and I can feel kind of a tingling sort of headache or pressure in my head that also goes away pretty quickly.  I thought that maybe I would be feeling better pretty quickly once I started taking them but I think I need to be more patient.

My parents were here for the week, well my mom left wednesday to go to work, and my dad left this morning and they were here to help patch and paint the laundry room (which looks so much better now if I do say so myself)  Anyways, tonight I had a breakdown, which was confusing at first.  I kind of thought that once I started this medication that I wouldn’t have these breakdowns anymore but then reality kicked in pretty hard and obviously no medication is a magical answer.  I was looking at ads for horses for sale, of all things, and just started weeping and couldn’t stop.  I cried for a good 20 minutes and then I thought I was done, but then I started thinking about all my insecurities about riding, and how I wish I could leave a normal life with horse back riding and university and parties and being a part of things and THEN I started thinking about my parents and how they’re getting older and how I can’t stand the thought of losing them and the fact that my Dad had a brain tumor in the past and my Mom has a thyroid tumor right now……I’m terrified of getting a tumor, or worse that I already have one because my ears keep ringing and sometimes my hearing dims to basically nothing in my right ear and then it starts ringing really loudly.  That scares me.  So, I ended up pulling my blankets over my head and sobbing uncontrollably for hours, stopped long enough for an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, and then cried some more.  It had something to do with my Dad going home today too…he makes me feel so safe, unlike my mom most of the time.

I feel like I’m rambling.  I’m really tired, but I have to stay awake so I can drive my sister and her husband to the airport at 5am.  I’m exhausted from crying and my mind has only slowed down like a notch because of it.  I really hope that this Lamictal actually does quiet my mind.  I want to know what calmness is.  I want to know what normal is.  I want to go to university and finish something instead of holing up in my room and crying for days because I don’t know what to do with myself.  Mom says my relatives are all talking about me and wondering what’s wrong with me because all my siblings and cousins my age all have degrees and carreer type jobs.  I hate being compared to my cousins and siblings, it’s the worst.  The worst part is that nobody ever talks to me to see how I’m doing, they all just whisper amongst themselves and probably make shit up about me.  That’s how nasty rumors start, and believe me I’ve been a victom of more then one that has come out of my extended family gossip machine.

I guess I could try sleeping for an hour or 2…

Sometimes it’s just good to put thoughts to paper; random or not.