So Much Rage

I think I’m being kicked up into mania. I’m so ragey, have been for several days. Everything is pissing me off and my head is spinning and my thoughts are racing and I can’t stop moving, whether its pacing or my hands shaking. I’m restless. I’m on the brink of a panic attack. My heart is racing.

I’ve been jumping through hoops to get disability and they put me on it temporarily which is better then nothing. Today I had my final interview and last giant application to fill out. Everybody who I’ve spoke to along the way has said that I have a very good chance of being accepted and have been very positive. The lady who interviewed me this morning was also positive and said that she collected a lot of great information after the interview so I was feeling very good. Then she dropped a bombshell, or what felt like one to me anyways. She said that the board that reviews the applications rarely approve of disability going to young people. I looked at her funny and she gave me this weird sympathetic shrug. Why, after all these green lights and high hopes would someone drop this red…barely amber light on me? Rage.

My mood went from hopeful to devastated to rage in a matter of seconds. I forced a fake smile, shook her hand and left.

I worked out a bit when I got home to try and feel better but my heart wasn’t in it. All I could feel was everything that I described at the beginning of this entry. Fire is pulsing through my veins. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I’m talking to myself a lot more these days, is that weird? I keep fantasizing about the conversations I wish I had the nerve to have with my parents and relatives and doctors and hoop holders. Mostly I want to tell everybody off. Every fibre of my being is stressed to the max.

Yesterday I had an amazing day, everything about it was perfect and I was flying high. Every single time I have one good day.. EVERY SINGLE TIME! I always crash so hard into this awful mixed state. Maybe it’s a mixed state, maybe it’s mania or maybe it’s rapid cycling… I think it could be the last one. It’s unbelievably horrible.

It’s Been A While

Like the title says, yes, it’s been a while.  I’ve been doing ok-ish.  I’ve applied for disability and have one hoop left to jump through before I can get accepted.  I really hope it all works out, I need this. 

Easter was a disaster.  I went with my parents and sister and her husband (all in one vehicle) to visit my brother and his wife who lived 12 hours away.  Me + not having personal space + family blasting through every boundary I set + being belittled for being bipolar + nobody listening to me = me exploding, overwhelmed, stressed to the max, meltdowns, mood swings, rapid cycling brought on by high stress, and of course insomnia.  Staying under one roof with them for 5 days with no escape was really difficult.  I’m used to having lots of space and time to myself.  I need it to recharge, and process things, and to calm myself down if I am feeling unstable, which is….often.

My mom is still fighting me on every aspect of treatment, and now she’s fighting me for applying for disability so I can take a break from trying to find work while I sort everything out.  She is ashamed of me for doing that, and embarassed, and she takes it out on me all the time.

Enough about my mom…

I am excited to say that I am on day 20 of working out everyday!  After Easter I was so disgusted with my body and everything about myself and was so fed up that I decided that it was time to do something about it.  I hate being overweight, and I hate lothing myself.  I’ve also started eating clean which basically means not eating anything processed, having lots of fruits and vegetables, nuts, seeds, protien, carbs, fish, chicken etc. and no refinded carbs or sugars.  Oh, and I’m trying to drink 2 litres of water a day which is not always easy! haha.  I am feeling a bit better about myself and I’m feeling myself getting stronger and having more energy already.  These new changes are also helping me sleep better at night.  I still have a hard time getting up in the morning, but I’m having an easier time falling asleep at a normal hour for once!  I’ve lost about 3 pounds since I’ve started, but the bigger loss is in the measurements.  I’ve lost a few inches already!  Having seen results already is motivation enough to keep going.  Today I did a 50 second plank which is a huge deal for me!  When I started I could only hold it for 13 seconds haha

Anyways, it’s really nice to be excited about something healthy and fun for once.  Maybe this is the start of a new life for me….